Today I want to be some form of pure writer, yesterday I wanted to be Stanley Kurbrik, the day before I wanted to be punk, and last week I wanted to be an intellectual. I dream of being a recovered heroin junkie of five years. I dream of being an ordinary/pure/honest man of virtues, a voice for those who cant speak for themselves. Just last night I dreamed of being a scene queen. I need a thousands of lives to be satisfied. I love talking the talk, but never want to walk the walk for more than two days. I wish I could die and spawn again a million times. I wish to leave some form of trace behind, it makes the old life/death thing more tangible. There are dreams of high priority and dreams, that are just dreams and still I want to follow them all. Im Musils "man without quality" I don’t want to seriously commit to anything and avoid any commitment in order to keep myself open to new options and constellations. there’s always the chance you just might be missing out. committing suicide is easy, the devil whispers. God has made committing to life unbearable hard.
I have to leave town for some days. There’s dishes and dust all over my apartment. I want it clean, I want control. I want to return on Monday and find my home wrecked, dirty and disgusting. I hate and fear control.

whatever, any recommendations on committing