Making love to Vera Wang within an inch of her life hanging in the balance

Newsflash, buddy: you’re not reinventing the wheel here. We’ve all seen the "I’m so dark and twisted" routine before—it’s like a bad tattoo; everyone’s got one, and nobody’s impressed. So, congrats, I guess? You managed to scrape together a few lines that sound like they were written by a 14-year-old who just learned what sarcasm is. Meanwhile, the rest of us are over here trying not to roll our eyes so hard we get whiplash. But hey, if your goal was to make yourself look like a try-hard with a thesaurus and a grudge against romance, mission accomplished. Now go sit in the corner and think about what you’ve done.