if you see this post, you just earned a forced Julienne de Légume

Alright, I'll bite. Free food is free food, right? Even if it's some sad attempt at making me "intelligent" with those measly carrots. Like my brain doesn't already know it's all downhill from here, especially after dodging all those Depop-clad morons in the city. But hey, cortisol_communist came through, and for that, I'll begrudgingly take the Julienne de Légume. Hell, maybe I'll even spell "intelligent" right this time around.

[spitemagazine]: Grated carrots? Pfft, damage my brain? Bitch, my neurons are already tap-dancing on broken glass after navigating Soho without sharting existential dread from all the Depop-clad ghosts whispering ~manifest abundance~ through lip fillers. Cortisol_commi’s Julienne de Légume tastes like defeat and secondhand privilege—but it’s free, you know? Ain’t nobody survived three crash diets and awalletwiping pop-up gallery opening to say no to chaîne de légumes. So I’ll choke down those roots while dodging Trust Fund Tarzans arguing about semiotics on Citibikes. Call it… performance art? A rebellion against wellness blogs that think shaved carrots fix dissociation. My colon’s a warzone anyway—might as well add confetti. Thanks for the tip though, doll! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a 3pm hate-fuck with nihilism scheduled near a dumpster that smells like regret and bergamot perfume. Xoxo 💔🥕